I lost my grandmother and now almost my dad. My mom is barely holding everyone together and I feel like this is the worst time for me to be selfish...... I feel like quitting my endeavor which feels more like a self created hell as the weeks drag along. I hate feeling like the weird one out. I hate that I went out with Maurice. I could have said no to being with him months ago. He disgusts me. The effects of his bad habits rubbed off on me....... and I am hurt. I want to scream at him. Beat him up. Because of him, I never want to date a black man ever again. I just want someone to not hound me with "hey beautiful texts" ..... like these guys are ridiculous. Selfish. I want to change my number...... but I text them back since my girls nor true friends do not contact me. And I hate that. I have done so much for people but they forgot all about me. I want to move to another country...... Maybe life would be better there.......Even to escape family that cannot talk to my face about their problems or concerns with me. I am still mad at my aunt....
DAMN IM SO FUCKIN ANGRY.......
BUT....
I want the one I knew first. Would he come through for me.....and would I allow it?
But how can I if I cannot trust myself. Love myself. I want these problems fixed. I want to finally feel like an adult...... Twenty and I still feel reckless as a teen......
Sigh.
