To Triumph I Go

I am currently on my couch. I did not go to church like I wanted to today. I had a situation. Another situation where my health failed me once again. This test that God is putting me through is making me realize so much. I am in pain not physically or emotionally as I am spiritually. God wants me to be His so bad. Even the little reminders and whispers along the way did not get me to pay attention for long. To be with this problem once again but more so without insurance, immediate help and few who consistently been there...... really makes me build my strength on the Lord. I am learning how to be by myself. It feels good sometimes but other days it gets so hard I feel like running home and collapsing in bed in a fetal position. I know I cannot give up.
I wanted to be destructive and not even go through life anymore. But God always puts a little bt of support that pushes me through. One day I go see Alicia who was surprised and got excited when I got her a MetroCard. This past Friday I saw my old coworker Avi. I also got to talk to Justin and Crosby and Stephanie and Jerry and AnaRosa even my cousin Cherise! I am so glad for the advice and support they all gave me. I am so grateful. I have hope now. Even the days where I give up, the next day comes up and it goes better.
Although I stopped a lot of things, have avoided seeing a lot of people, canceled a lot of events, even quit a job I did not start, but wanted so much, I am glad I can focus more on myself. I am noticing a lot of flaws, lots of emotions that have to be accepted. A lot of issues that have to be fixed, that I got a therapist, and nutritionist to help me. I still need insurance but that will be taken care of tomorrow. I pray every day that I can endure one more day, endure the comments, endure with confidence surely. Endure with God on my mind and always by my side.
I am glad for the small victories thus far and for the others to come though. I pray that He can let me have more confidence and more love for myself. Even when I feel so embarassed, that He can whisper in my ear "Just a little more, just some more steps, and the victory can be yours."
Even today I felt encouraged. I know God talked to me, and I am glad He did. Now I know the prayers to pray when those thoughts come and try to cripple me. My past is no more. My emotions controlling me is no more. My sin is no more. My depression will not last. My health will get better than ever before. My family will come closer together. My grandmother will get more support from me. My dad will become closer to me just like when I was younger. I will ensure that my mom will not have to worry anymore. I will finally love myself, for who I am, FIRST and never have to rely on a man ever again. No longer will "men" control my thoughts or feelings or actions. Never will I be the same. That is my innermost prayer, that God can take my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my pain, my burdens, my life, my spirit....... Amen.