Monday, April 1, 2013
Ain't No Room for a Broken Black Latina
Ain't no room for a broken Black Latina
Ain't no room for emotional pain
Ain't no room for personal struggles
Ain't no room for public acclaim
You can't be too strong
You can't make any mistakes
You can't forget where you came from
You can't neglect the role of the fates
Ain't no room for a broken Black Latina
Ain't no room for emotional pain
Ain't no room for personal struggles
But there's room for public shame
You can't let their opinions matter
You can't let yourself die
You can't please everyone
But when will the tears dry?
Ain't no room for a broken Black Latina
Ain't no room for emotional pain
Ain't no room for personal struggles
But maybe..there is room for herself, inside, again.
This poem is inspired by Day 190876345989 of this depressive and anxious mode. I woke up and was determined to go to the bank today to deposit my student loan, so I can buy the remaining two books for class and to buy a MetroCard. Thing was, my "sister" got in my way. I was annoyed and thought OK, well maybe I can eat breakfast instead. I knew there was sausage and bacon left from Easter Breakfast, the one I missed. Sadly, that was gone too. Saw the her plate in the sink too. Guess who ate it.
So I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably, because I also got a text from the person "meaning to call". Playing phone tag was stupid but I, again, was disappointed that he let me down again. But I should expect it right? The many times he left me in time of need and got away with it. Brings me to the many uncomfortable places in my memory..... My eyes are welling up with tears.... It hurts so much still.
I also realized how many people in this week alone that have lied to me. It is insane. People are not honest. I confront them and they still get to do as they please. This does not make me feel any better. It makes me want to kill myself even more. It is so unfathomable how these people can take on a cause that protects what they violated (like that cochino two timer who almost infected me with chlamydia and had the nerve to blame it on me. Mind you, I got tested before AND after the encounter AND used condoms for ALL acts. No chlamydia in my vagina, or throat. I do not do anal. .......or my ex who felt it is okay to not call me when he said he would; if I am rekindling a friendship, then you got to earn my trust back and not be uncertain. I refuse to tell him anything else about what is going on in my life, because he does not do the same. I bet he is telling the girl(s) he is sleeping or smoking with or whatever the fuck he is doing. Because allegedly his sexual hunger was insatiable, even when I would have sex with him every single week except on my period when we were together.......or the guy that I tried talking to this past January and took me out twice during Valentines Day weekend, then tells me he cannot talk to me anymore....then defriends me! then refriended me! then defriended me again! then added me AGAIN!!!!!!! Oh, but this threw me for a loop-mr.musicbusinessman. Said he liked the vibes on my page. Said he liked me. We talk after Mr. Two Dates but then by the end of the month, "O sorry that I have not picked up in a few days, I have been going though some things. We will talk soon." And then my intuition was going crazy. I had to see his profile. Sure enough he was busy with talking to someone else. Guess life was so rough right? All while you told me I can tell you anything, call anytime. Every night talking too until the abrupt stop. And of course Mr.GoodIntentions (the only who has really) .......because of all of this pain, I had no room for him in my life; no room to see him otherwise. I am upset beyond belief that my eyes hurt from the tears and my stomach hurts from when I would gasp for air when I sobbed violently.
I hate that you abusers did this to me to get what you wanted. If it makes you happy right?
I am done being the sacrificial lamb.
Ain't no room for emotional pain
Ain't no room for personal struggles
Ain't no room for public acclaim
You can't be too strong
You can't make any mistakes
You can't forget where you came from
You can't neglect the role of the fates
Ain't no room for a broken Black Latina
Ain't no room for emotional pain
Ain't no room for personal struggles
But there's room for public shame
You can't let their opinions matter
You can't let yourself die
You can't please everyone
But when will the tears dry?
Ain't no room for a broken Black Latina
Ain't no room for emotional pain
Ain't no room for personal struggles
But maybe..there is room for herself, inside, again.
This poem is inspired by Day 190876345989 of this depressive and anxious mode. I woke up and was determined to go to the bank today to deposit my student loan, so I can buy the remaining two books for class and to buy a MetroCard. Thing was, my "sister" got in my way. I was annoyed and thought OK, well maybe I can eat breakfast instead. I knew there was sausage and bacon left from Easter Breakfast, the one I missed. Sadly, that was gone too. Saw the her plate in the sink too. Guess who ate it.
So I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably, because I also got a text from the person "meaning to call". Playing phone tag was stupid but I, again, was disappointed that he let me down again. But I should expect it right? The many times he left me in time of need and got away with it. Brings me to the many uncomfortable places in my memory..... My eyes are welling up with tears.... It hurts so much still.
I also realized how many people in this week alone that have lied to me. It is insane. People are not honest. I confront them and they still get to do as they please. This does not make me feel any better. It makes me want to kill myself even more. It is so unfathomable how these people can take on a cause that protects what they violated (like that cochino two timer who almost infected me with chlamydia and had the nerve to blame it on me. Mind you, I got tested before AND after the encounter AND used condoms for ALL acts. No chlamydia in my vagina, or throat. I do not do anal. .......or my ex who felt it is okay to not call me when he said he would; if I am rekindling a friendship, then you got to earn my trust back and not be uncertain. I refuse to tell him anything else about what is going on in my life, because he does not do the same. I bet he is telling the girl(s) he is sleeping or smoking with or whatever the fuck he is doing. Because allegedly his sexual hunger was insatiable, even when I would have sex with him every single week except on my period when we were together.......or the guy that I tried talking to this past January and took me out twice during Valentines Day weekend, then tells me he cannot talk to me anymore....then defriends me! then refriended me! then defriended me again! then added me AGAIN!!!!!!! Oh, but this threw me for a loop-mr.musicbusinessman. Said he liked the vibes on my page. Said he liked me. We talk after Mr. Two Dates but then by the end of the month, "O sorry that I have not picked up in a few days, I have been going though some things. We will talk soon." And then my intuition was going crazy. I had to see his profile. Sure enough he was busy with talking to someone else. Guess life was so rough right? All while you told me I can tell you anything, call anytime. Every night talking too until the abrupt stop. And of course Mr.GoodIntentions (the only who has really) .......because of all of this pain, I had no room for him in my life; no room to see him otherwise. I am upset beyond belief that my eyes hurt from the tears and my stomach hurts from when I would gasp for air when I sobbed violently.
I hate that you abusers did this to me to get what you wanted. If it makes you happy right?
I am done being the sacrificial lamb.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Haiku By Her-Aversion
He was so eager
Did not see her head shaking
A resounding no
This is about the "date" I was to have yesterday, but canceled the morning of. I am really sorry to the man who asked me because he really was honest and eager to win my affection. But when I met him, I never saw him beyond being a peer of mine. Especially since our following correspondence was only about school related issues. The contact we had via text was sporadic too.
And then he called over three weeks ago. I do not like missing calls so I called back that next day, since he said he had left a text stating that he had something to say. It was a windy morning and I was on my way to school. He of course asked if I can go inside a building and I said this was the only free time I had......
And then.....
"Are you single?"
"Um......*seriously breathless* .......no!!!!!!!!!! Why?!"
"Look, I am just going to make it short and say I want to take you out. I like you. "
And I am just dumbfounded that he liked me from ONE encounter.
And then of course, the day in the library when he asked me in person as if on a business interview if he could take me on a date and why.
Car? Check. Job? Check. Going to college? Check. Older than me but not too much? Check. Got the same laptop as me? Check. Live within Queens? Check. Honest? Check. Loves communication? Check. Will be willing to make me laugh and smile always? Check. Funny anecdotes? (got her laughing too! FUCKING CHEA!)
Even though I said I was single and wish to stay that way, that despite what he was telling me (and that he reintroduced himself to me....that was cute, I cannot lie.....) I know nothing about him, and that I am not interested in dating.
Sigh. Even when things are not well within my body, like fighting reoccurring infections despite the rounds of antibiotics, low self esteem, depression and anxiety attacks from being date raped and sexually assaulted.....people still find a way to like me. And that is a scary yet intriguing thing.
I guess I am rare and unique. A strong being. There is always something endearing.
But I want to love myself first.
Sorry _____________. I am sure you can find someone more capable of appreciating your gesture.
Darn!
Today was my dad's birthday. I realized this when I saw the packet of Neopolitan Ice Cream that is freeze dried. You know .......the kind that astronauts eat.
And the commotion downstairs.
It is so sad now that I cannot find solace in bonding with my family. I understand that once I became a teen, I wanted to be with my friends. I always thought that my family will be there.
But it makes me feel as if I am paying again, every day, for the rational choice I made when I was 16. The choice that made my sister run and tell my parents. The choice that made my dad cry for the first time that I can remember. The choice that made me loose the guy that I first dated and showed me what the world would be like.
I do not like where I am with my family right now and even this post can be so vague and cryptic to many.
I guess it is also void of all the realization I wish to have.
Or maybe the empty spaces on this post are already filled. Because I now realized the truth about my entire family. The conservative, afraid of change, patriarchal, homophobic, misogynistic Christian household.
Even my mother is not the superwomyn that I thought of her to be.
I feel empty. And silly for forgetting my dad's birthday. 51 today too.
*whispers* Happy birthday dad....
And the commotion downstairs.
It is so sad now that I cannot find solace in bonding with my family. I understand that once I became a teen, I wanted to be with my friends. I always thought that my family will be there.
But it makes me feel as if I am paying again, every day, for the rational choice I made when I was 16. The choice that made my sister run and tell my parents. The choice that made my dad cry for the first time that I can remember. The choice that made me loose the guy that I first dated and showed me what the world would be like.
I do not like where I am with my family right now and even this post can be so vague and cryptic to many.
I guess it is also void of all the realization I wish to have.
Or maybe the empty spaces on this post are already filled. Because I now realized the truth about my entire family. The conservative, afraid of change, patriarchal, homophobic, misogynistic Christian household.
Even my mother is not the superwomyn that I thought of her to be.
I feel empty. And silly for forgetting my dad's birthday. 51 today too.
*whispers* Happy birthday dad....
Monday, March 25, 2013
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)