To Triumph I Go

I am currently on my couch. I did not go to church like I wanted to today. I had a situation. Another situation where my health failed me once again. This test that God is putting me through is making me realize so much. I am in pain not physically or emotionally as I am spiritually. God wants me to be His so bad. Even the little reminders and whispers along the way did not get me to pay attention for long. To be with this problem once again but more so without insurance, immediate help and few who consistently been there...... really makes me build my strength on the Lord. I am learning how to be by myself. It feels good sometimes but other days it gets so hard I feel like running home and collapsing in bed in a fetal position. I know I cannot give up.
I wanted to be destructive and not even go through life anymore. But God always puts a little bt of support that pushes me through. One day I go see Alicia who was surprised and got excited when I got her a MetroCard. This past Friday I saw my old coworker Avi. I also got to talk to Justin and Crosby and Stephanie and Jerry and AnaRosa even my cousin Cherise! I am so glad for the advice and support they all gave me. I am so grateful. I have hope now. Even the days where I give up, the next day comes up and it goes better.
Although I stopped a lot of things, have avoided seeing a lot of people, canceled a lot of events, even quit a job I did not start, but wanted so much, I am glad I can focus more on myself. I am noticing a lot of flaws, lots of emotions that have to be accepted. A lot of issues that have to be fixed, that I got a therapist, and nutritionist to help me. I still need insurance but that will be taken care of tomorrow. I pray every day that I can endure one more day, endure the comments, endure with confidence surely. Endure with God on my mind and always by my side.
I am glad for the small victories thus far and for the others to come though. I pray that He can let me have more confidence and more love for myself. Even when I feel so embarassed, that He can whisper in my ear "Just a little more, just some more steps, and the victory can be yours."
Even today I felt encouraged. I know God talked to me, and I am glad He did. Now I know the prayers to pray when those thoughts come and try to cripple me. My past is no more. My emotions controlling me is no more. My sin is no more. My depression will not last. My health will get better than ever before. My family will come closer together. My grandmother will get more support from me. My dad will become closer to me just like when I was younger. I will ensure that my mom will not have to worry anymore. I will finally love myself, for who I am, FIRST and never have to rely on a man ever again. No longer will "men" control my thoughts or feelings or actions. Never will I be the same. That is my innermost prayer, that God can take my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my pain, my burdens, my life, my spirit....... Amen.

You Give Me A Reason

Listening to Pandora Radio with the Deitrick Haddon station. I recently went to church this past Sunday and o how did I miss my church! Everytime that I seem to stray, they always are there for me and I thank them so much for that. I am such a Debbie Downer and when things lean out of my control, I get scared. But somehow, every time I get so far away, there is always a longing for what is just, what I have grown to know since birth.
God is so real to me and as I get older, I see it more and more. I can't believe I am in my second year in college and that I am going to be declaring my major soon. I am so glad that I know what I want for myself and for life. I just need to go back to the things that I love to do. I missed writing~ matter of fact I feel like I am calming down as I am here on my bed after a warm shower and having sent out all the emails I had to send out. My depression will not be treated with medication but with what is being done right now. Texting and talking to those I love, blogging, contemporary Christian music and thanking God that I am learning. For every darkness I walk into, God is a light unto me. The diet of portion control, healthy foods, water only, and perhaps a 20 minute walk every day and yoga whenever I can, even some artwork too, I can restore the joy with the help of Jesus. I can't do it alone, and the anger, anxiety and ambiguous mentality I had must go.......I must stick to what God wants for me. See all as equals. Put myself first. Do well in school. Be there for my family more. Pray more....................... Thank you Lord for the reminder......... I will come back stronger

Why Can't This Test Be Passed?

I am so upset right now. I am sitting on the couch so stressed. I am upset at myself. My mind is weak, and it hurts to know that. At home, I am comfortable. With friends, I am comfortable too. However, when I am travelling on my own, my mind wanders. and I get worried about what people are saying. More specifically, about my presentation. I am so afraid of people now. I am just as much as afraid of myself. This always happens when I get somewhere better than where I was before. It's so funny since I know this is a test I must pass. It's too hard and I need help. I need to go pray. But even when I pray.... I cannot find peace. I am just so exhausted..... I do not know what to do..... I am going to find help in reading a book.... interpreting my dreams. .... planing my summer even more.... especially for free stuff since I cannot spend money anymore..... God help me....

Aggrivation. It's Just Not Fair

I am so aggravated right now. Really am. Currently, I am watching American Violet on BET. This movie is about a single mother that is arrested after a raid in Harmon County in Waco, Texas. Over a span of ten years, from 1992 to 2002, a case of the single mother, Dee Roberts, against DA Beckett was formed. She was accused of selling drugs near a school, the same claim that was used against her mother years ago. For decades, as soon as a new election term came up, raids would be conducted, to show that "crime is going down". Also, the more people in jail, convicted of a crime/s, the more federal money that a state can receive. Even just as important, if a person is convicted and do not accept the plea the DA pushes, their life would most likely be spent in jail, with many benefits taken away. Furthermore, government benefits like food stamps, welfare, and Public Housing will be taken away.
DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH THE GOVERNMENT HAS CONTROL, ESPECIALLY OVER THE POOR! This is inexplicable.
Anyways, ACLU representative Cohen with the help of a Black lawyer, and a local lawyer join forces with Dee's reverend to make sure they can inform the congregation that they can win. I will not give away the rest of the movie, but this made me learn so much. Got me riled up, but now I know some more of my rights... your rights.... OUR RIGHTS.
Never stop learning. If you want to look at this movie, it's called American Violet, made in 2008, with Alfie Woodard, Nicole Benharie, Will Patton and Director Tim Disney.
Much Love.
Emily

4 A.M. (Kaskade)

"There's a way ... there's a way.... I know........" Yes there must be a way. Being single is great but then again it has it's low moments. Right now is one of them. I feel such a feeling of forlonging. For someone to passionately throw back the true emotions that I show. The heart that I share, quivering in my hands. My empathy for all humans. Someone to hold me in their arms, to kiss me all over, to let me know they would not leave. I am aching for that right now. But then again who am I to demand someone's heart, attention, time and care now when I know I am not ready for commitment?
But it's calling me.......... For now, my paper is screaming to be finished so I can sleep these feelings away......
Much love to give... but to hold on for now...
Emily.

The Monday Madness

Wow. The rush of this past weekend was L I B E R A T I N G............ Friday was crazy being all over Queens. Saturday I rested at home and just went to the supermarket to get dinner to cook and the salon. As for SUNDAY, went through three boroughs. THREE. Manhattan Queens and Brooklyn. It was so much fun though. All because of a dropped video camera. You see, my friend Nick has a video journalism project for his class. It is his final!!!! So him and I are at my friend's Sandra's house and it's on the tripod and upon removal, it DROPPED. Hard. -____-

The data was not recovered so then we had to call the group members to see if we can film again. We went to Cristy's Deli then to Victory Field to film then to my house then back out to drop Sandra halfway home then to Brooklyn to fix the camera then to Times Square to film (more about that in a minute) and then back home. We split off by 74th Street. I went in a cab; he was to walk after getting off the train. (More about the cab ride in a minute)

Times Square is so much different at night. First of all, it S T I N K S. From garbage disposals, to drunk people's ...... er...to horses. Second off, there were people still on the go. It was harder now, even with the tourists because they are smarter. But within the first ten minutes, we found a group of four people that were obviously not from here but were really receptive to us. Filming took longer than expected but it was okay. Walking around getting put down left and right but eventually a couple was on the corner of 42nd and Broadway. They just met and maybe we cockblocked? I have no idea but we got their opinions about Corny Pickup lines (the man did not know what they were) and partner ideal qualities. Hopefully their answers gave them insight as to what they are really like!

Back to the other story I would like to talk about. It took me a good while to pick a cab to go into. Especially when you a young woman in the city out late at night you must be careful with whom you go with. So, on the corner of Broadway and Roosevelt was this cab. The guy is tatted up but he looks like he is awake, spoke English well and knew where to go. He wanted to charge $25, but I bargained with him and said I would not pay no more than $20- but we compromised on $22. So he starts out and asks me why I am out late. I explain to him about the project I was helping my friend with and he was very interested in ALL the details. He liked the fact that I had multi ethnic friends and he said that I exuded a nice and kind spirit. He then switched the conversation into the Arizona Law and other political issues. I liked his views and he liked mine. Eventually I asked him why he was cabbing. He said that he started three months ago and told me about his previous job and about his family. It was so touching.

As soon as I said "God rest his soul", Santiago asked me if I am religious. I told him that I am a Christian and that I believe in God. He said he believes too. At that point we reached my house. I said because he was so nice I paid $25. He was adamant at first but then thankful. I told him where my church was, since he wasn't so far away from it. I pray that he can come one day. He is such a nice, handsome, and smart man.

Overall, I thank God for using that weekend to reveal to me my real friends and that He is real. Even late at night, He is with me and protects me wherever and whenever I go.
I'd say I can't go anywhere but up.
Much love
Emily.

"Clean" Laundry Still Dirty - AOL Health

"Clean" Laundry Still Dirty - AOL Health
This scares the heck out of me. I am going to save up for a home washer and dryer. smh.

The First One

I am glad that my first love Marcos brought me onto this. I really wanted a medium to release some of my anxieties, fears, hopes, dreams, accomplishments and lessons that I have on this journey. Today I am glad that I did all the things I wanted to do for a good while. Study. Reminisce about good friends. Realizing where my priorities should be. God is good. Noticed how He placed me and helped me help my Bayside Ladies Mona and Sandra. I love them so much. Makes me realize that most of my friends from those times were more real. I love college nonetheless. I am looking forward to next semester. I am planning to have a better semester, grades, as well as better people around me. I already know who and where to look to- it's up to me to make those changes. Plan for the summer: Work at Citifield, FYI office at school and hopefully another job, get my permit, car and driving lessons, hang out with my real friends, go to the top 10 places that I wanted to go to, and to spend time with my family. Also, I wish to answer my own questions, and to continue reading and learning, which I know the love of learning is an innate ability that will never die.
Much love to my people. :) MUAH